• Mind if we talk about marriage?
• Not at all.

• OK, so tell me. Why would anyone want to get married?
• Well, a lot of people say that it is a demonstration of commitment.

• Commitment to who?
• The other person.

• That seems like bullshit to me. I mean, with how easy it is to get divorced these days, there is no real commitment and the negatives all come into play as well.
• What negatives?

• Ownership, people feel like they own you when you are married.
• People feel like they own you, or you feel like someone owns you?

• Maybe a little bit of each, I certainly felt restricted in what I could do. You have to do things for the other person all the time.
• You mean, you felt like you had to do things for the other person all the time? Did you really look at where you were spending your time?
• What do you mean?

• Well, how much time did you actually spend with your wife? Break out a typical week for me. How much do you work?
• 50 hours

• Train?
• 20 hours

• Sleep?
• 55 hours

• What about travel and the other stuff around work and training. How much extra is that?
• Not sure really, say an extra 13 hours a week.

• OK so where are we?
• 135 hours

• What does that leave?
• 24 times 7 is 168.

• You have 30 hours a week left for the rest of your life. How long do you spend writing?
• Ten hours.

• Now we are down to 20 hours and we haven't even started cleaning the house, shopping or eating.
• OK, point taken but you know, I always thought that we could make it if we could just last through another two years in Hong Kong. I could stop working and that would have freed up another fifty hours.

• Did you mention that?
• Not really, time was a bit of a sensitive topic.

• I can see why.
• What do you mean?
• Well, you spend more time by yourself than with your wife.

• That's something that bugs me. It is like people are keeping score. Maybe I need to spend a lot of time on my own. Maybe I like spending a lot of time on my own. All because I like to be by myself, doesn't mean that I don't love someone.
• Well, I am not sure if everyone would see it that way. I think I would find it insulting if I truly believed that my boyfriend/husband/whatever preferred being my himself to being with me.

• It is not a case of preference. Training is what makes my heart sing.
• Be honest, it IS a case of preference. You just said that you like one more than the other.

• But that doesn't mean that I loved my wife any less.
• Possibly, but how was she to know.

• OK, you win that round but I was happy with the situation.
• I don't think I need to point this out but there are two people in any relationship. Was she happy?
• I guess not.

• What do you think about fidelity?
• Which kind?

• What do mean? Fidelity, shagging, stuff like that.
• Oh, you mean physical fidelity.

• There is anything else?
• Emotional fidelity.

• What is that?
• Being true to your partner.

• You mean being supportive?
• Sort of, I am not sure exactly, it is like where your heart lies.

• Let's come back to that later. I am interested in your thoughts on physical fidelity.

• I think it is impossible.

• Huh? Why is it impossible? All you have to do is control yourself.
• Well, there is all this guilt tied up with it.

• Of course, there is. If you are shagging a boatload of people it is not right.
• I didn't say anything about a boatload. Maybe it is just a few people, maybe two people, maybe no people.

• Doesn't that lead to a lack of intimacy? I mean I sure would feel reluctant to dive in emotionally, if I thought that there was a chance that my lover was going to hit the road with someone else.
• But isn't there a risk of that in any situation regardless, you said yourself that divorce is really easy.

• You have me there but it just seems more likely if the other person is on the prowl.
• So maybe it is a control thing for you.

• Maybe, but I can tell you from my own observations in life that the guys that are into open relationships have more in common with dogs than spiritual gurus.
  
• Well, I wouldn't be involved with anybody like that.

• How do you know for sure? Some of these boys can be VERY convincing. I just don't see why you need more than one partner.
• You are making this all about sex.

• But that is the topic.
• Well, there is more to a relationship than sex.
• I agree but if you accept that sex is something material in a relationship then it is worth exploring the nature of sexual fidelity.

• Perhaps you are right, but I don't really have things as clear in my head as you do. I just know that the whole concept of forever seems like a really long time. Who can say what will happen over a lifetime?
• No one, I just look at it in short intervals. Give you an example, can I go one week without screwing around? Yes, no problem. Can I get to the end of that week and add another? Yes, no problem. String a few of those together and you have a month, then a year, then a lot of years. It is like AA, just take it one day at a time.

• Maybe I don't want to take it one day at a time.
• Maybe not, but you would then rule out achieving true intimacy with someone who is wired like me.

• You could change.
• So could you.

• I wasn't saying that I could never by happy with one guy. Just not now.
• You know you sound a lot like an Asian businessman when you say that.
• Maybe but that is how I feel.

• Trust. How can you have trust in an open relationship?
• I tell everyone the score.

• I guess, the only thing worse that being in an open relationship and knowing it would be being in one and not knowing it. What about health concerns? Don't you worry about getting sick?
  
• Well, I am always safe.
• Whatever.

• Isn't there a constant element of fear in the relationship. Of competition, that one person will meet someone else and leave the other. This strikes me as unhealthy.
  
• You could meet someone else?
  
• But I wouldn't be looking.

• Does that make it any different?
• I guess not.

• You know, I really feel like society let me down on the whole marriage thing.
• What do you mean?

• Well, I think my wife just wanted to marry me because I fit the part.
• What part?
• The husband part, you know, good job, looks nice, kind to animals, gets along with everybody. Society tells a woman that she is worth the level of the guy she can convince to marry her.

• You should be flattered. That means that the ladies are competing for the men. Imagine what it is like for the women.
• I agree completely, it is awful for the women but equally horrible for the men that they are trying to land. All these marriages start with messed up expectations. I wish that someone sat us down to talk about our motivation.

• Come on, I know you. Would you have gone and listened to anyone?
• Well, not really.
• Try no chance in hell.

• You are right but I wish I had. A lot of grief could have been avoided.

• I think to myself that there is no way that I would have wanted to avoid it. I love my new knowledge (hard won it may be). Stress has a great way of clearing away the cobwebs and enabling you to focus on what is important to you. If I hadn't been crushed by the divorce then I never would have been so full of life today.

• You know, regardless of how it turned out, it sure was a great party.
• Yeah, it was one hell of a party.

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