A Conversation on FearThe achievement of freedom from fear is a lifetime undertaking. One I will never completely accomplish. When I am under heavy pressure or attack, I will react to this emotion. I will react poorly or well. I am learning to act in a positive manner. That takes courage. I believe that only those people who are deceiving themselves claim to have no fear.
Like I said previously. I've read some good stuff recently that has helped me accept my fear. You can see that there is a lot of fear in various parts of my writing, in my racing, throughout my life. The book that gave me the insight is called "The Way of the Superior Man". Fear is an essential part of existence. Without fear, how would we know that we are pushing our boundaries? I think a reasonable level of fear is essential for a stimulating life. You are completely right that we have a tendency to go back to our habitual selves when under attack or stress -- Buddhists call these emotions our habit energies. It sounds like you are aware of your habit energies. In awareness there is huge power. Why? Because we can watch our habitual responses arrive -- we can view them (and ourselves) with compassion. I don't think we need to change our habit energies -- like you mention below -- if we are aware of them, then their power over us seems to disappear.
Fear still causes me suffering when I could, and should, have more faith. There are times when things seem unbelievably good..... I am full of joy, happiness and have a light heart...... only to be suddenly be torn apart by some fear. Faith and courage are the way to me overcoming my fears. I look forward to feeling life's nuggets of emotion. Taking action puts fear at bay. Being paralysed from worry is a decision based in fear.
Suffering is normal and -- if you think about it -- is the only thing that makes joy possible. This is life in the real world. When I was hammered all the time, I was numb and unconscious. I might have thought that I was joyful -- but in reality -- I was numb from alcohol and overstimulated from excessive work, dancing, sex, partying (it's different for all of us). In order to truly experience joy -- the deep calming sensation that we both experience frequently -- we need to be awake, alive, conscious. I don't think it is possible to achieve that level of joy when we are buried in work, training, booze or the search for booty. That bit I wrote on "trying" is very true. I used to enjoy my training -- however, since I backed off a little -- my training (and each day) brings me immense joy. BUT -- I don't think our mission is to transcend pain and suffering to arrive at a state of permanent euphoria. Right now, I don't think that is what life is about. What I am finding more and more -- is that our journey could be described more as surfing. Think of "love" and "self acceptance" as our surfboard. We use these tools to ride through life. We enjoy the good times and recognise that they are even more special because they aren't going to last. We accept the not so good times and know that these too will not last forever. Sunny days, rainy days, happy days, cancer days -- every day is special in its own way. Good situation, bad situations, they are all teachers to us.
Courage is admitting my fears. Once they are spoken of, their powers over me diminish or leave. Once they are identified and action is taken they are often rendered meaningless and become even humorous. But it takes some courage for me to come to grips with my fears.
...and THAT is what being a man is all about. Embracing your fears, working at the edge of your comfort zone. I think identifying our fears is really important. Through knowledge of what scares us, we can find the way to grow and (if it is to be) to overcome a particular issue. I'm not sure that we are meant to overcome every fear. There are some fears that provide us self-knowledge. For example, in most situations a fear of being "found out" or "discovered" -- would be a powerful warning sign that we shouldn't do something. To overcome this fear, we might have to live a life that is more ethically sound. Wisdom is knowing yourself -- Lao Tzu
Sometimes we meet people with an aura of peace and calm..... compassion and serenity. They seem to have some cosmic kindness and a mature attitude. You are one of these people.
Very kind but please don't assume that I have any wisdom at all. In fact, everything that I know, that I see, that I have learned -- is instantly available to all of us. There is no apprenticeship required. All we have to do is "wake up" and see that nothing really matters. Once we realise that life is a bit of a joke, we are able to calm down enough to see what truly matters. Love. Love of self, love of others, love of nature, love of life, love of existence. It seems that every single path leads back to love. I constantly surprise myself at how easily I forget everything that I learned when something makes me unconscious. I think back to our early June conversations and smile at that period. It is not just pain and suffering that pulls us into our habit energies. Joy and happiness can bring them to the front as well. Buddhists call this grasping -- grasping at pleasure. Think of me, that grasping lead me to some pain, fortunately, I was conscious enough to learn from that situation and bring my little mind under control.
This must be a sign that these qualities take hold over time.
These qualities are available to everyone instantly. They are available to you right this instant. There is no need to wait. We are all sinners, saints, whatever. I read a great description of our journey. I'll paraphrase. Most of us are unconscious. Living our routine, controlled by our habit energies. As we learn to observe ourselves, we start to see our habit energies. By realising our unconscious habits, we bring them to our conscious mind. We get control over them -- from time to time. We may experience periods of calm, of acceptance, of joy -- perhaps that is what is meant by enlightenment. As we learn more, as we discover our patterns, these periods of enlightenment may come more frequently, may last longer. I doubt that we ever achieve total control, total enlightenment but I don't think it particularly matters. It comes back to being our best in a situation. The goal is to move through life, experience love, create love and maximise those periods of consciousness. Some people might not be able to relate to the above. They might snicker. They probably need a hug!
I cannot storm the castle and possess these things...... but I can keep in motion the process of that slow erosion of fears and self centeredness that used to rule my life.
Transform self-centeredness into self-acceptance and self-love. Frankly, I think all you need to do is bathe your self-centeredness in love and you will achieve the transformation -- does that make sense? When I have been particularly self centred in the past -- it was really because I was unable to accept the love of those around me. I wasn't being self-centred so much as I was been "other rejecting". I was pushing away love, I was pushing away any real feeling. When you embrace love and are surrounded by it. You may find that a lot of your "selfish desires" melt away. You might also find that by truly loving the special people in your life -- their perception of your "selfish actions" changes. Love everyone around you deeply, fully and truly. I bet they will push you out the door for those "selfish long rides" (a common triathlete concern, not sure if applicable in your case). When we know that we are loved, everything else seems pretty unimportant. You might even find that you lose some of your desire to hammer yourself! So much of Western Society is anti-self. Particularly Christian theology, where we are taught at a young age that it is honourable to deny the self. That book you sent me has much about this. When we deny our "selves", we end up making our "self" dysfunctional. That doesn't do anybody any good whatsoever. I am the most selfish person you have ever met. I've spent the last year with a ruthless devotion to improving my self. When I feel like the world is cutting into me then I take immediate action. The last year has also seen me able to do more "good deeds" than any other time in my life. The more I have concentrated on ensuring a strong inner person, the easier it has been for me to help other folks. Of course, "good deeds" are selfish acts (but maybe that is getting a little existential). Every single thing that we do and that we think is an act of self (or more accurately an act of the self). For me, I can only give to the world if I have something to give. Taking care of myself, seems to fill my gas tank and enable me to give to others. Right now, it has to be on my terms -- frankly, I suspect that it will always have to be strictly on my terms. However, I would be willing to bet that "my terms" will constantly evolve over time.
When you have a quiet moment back there, let me know how things are going, okay? Some things I have learned on this trip:
|