The Benefit of Nothing, Doing Less and Moving Beyond DesireThis may sound a little strange but I think "doing nothing" is a skill that needs to be mastered. When I left Hong Kong, I had a really tough time winding down. Hong Kong is the ultimate, "do something" kind of place. Everyone always has something to do - I guess it is like most of our cities. I had a realization the other day. I realized how much I enjoy my days when I am able to do nothing. I wake up early, clear my e-mail, do my session and then.... Nothing. There is nothing that HAS to be done. How do I fill my nothing? Well, I tend to do something -- only I do it slowly. It is a bit of a liberating feeling, the weight of impending deadlines being lifted. I really enjoy my nothing. In reality, I've found that I manage to get quite a bit completed. I have found that tasks that are a pain when I am busy, seem to get done a lot easier. Remove the pressure of day-to-day living and I have the patience to complete my tasks. Related to the skill of doing, is the skill of doing less. This is a very tricky one to master because everyone (including ourselves) is always trying to get us to do more. There is always one more person we can help, one more call we can make, one more report we can read, one more letter we can write... it is never ending. The world can seem a bit like a bottomless pit of need. So many people asking for our time. It is near impossible to be the ideal parent, the ideal partner, the ideal worker, and/or the ideal member of society. Yet, many people tell us that we should aim for these ideals. I've stopped trying to be ideal. I think it is better to be the best. I have to admit that I still feel a bit of low level stress when I try to do nothing. Should I be stretching, should I be calling my family, should I be writing programs for my athletes -- where does it end? I think it ends where WE draw the line. Ultimately, each of us has to report to ourselves. I can't tell you where to draw the line any more than you can tell me. I can say that the line is different for everyone. I know happy and sad people at all points on of the work, personal, self troika. With the unhappy folks, typically (but not always, I am surprising myself with my need to give), it is the self that suffers. That's too bad because with a happy and strong self, we are able to give more positively in the other areas of our life. I've noticed that my capacity to give to others has grown steadily as I have ruthlessly (might as well admit it) enforced my self time. The total amount of time that I give to others may be roughly the same, however, it seems that my impact has improved. I seem to be more able to listen, to think and to help those around me. At least that's how it appears to me. OK, into the third topic that has been kicking around in my head. Moving beyond desire. Sounds like a good topic for Oprah. We bring out a bunch sex addicted folks and run through their pasts. Not really -- but I ask myself, "Am I projecting?" What I am thinking about is moving beyond desire for people, possessions and sensations. This is related to my on-going thoughts about stuff! Last week I was riding alone in North San Diego County. The sun was out, it was mid-day and I had a solid sweat going. My ride was going OK, I was a bit tired and it wasn't really happening on the flats. My mind started to wander a bit and I let it roam around. One of the thoughts, it caught hold of was the question, "What do I need right now?" Ask yourself, "What do you need right now?" I must have thought for 45 minutes. I ran through all aspects of my life: financial, personal, physical, sexual, mental, business and coaching. Nada! Not one thing was required. Several things would have been nice (some more so than others) but nothing was truly required. I wasn't able to see how one thing would actually improve the quality of my life, or more specifically, the quality of that ride -- of that moment in the sun. Sitting here writing this piece, I ask myself the same question and get the same answer. It was really strange for me because I can normally come up with a few things that would improve my life -- typically, these involve someone or something NOT doing something or just going away. However, these thoughts seem to have retreated for a little while. I am sure that they are there but I have taken some actions that appear to have reduced their impact. It is a bit of a tangent but I will explain how I removed these unpleasant thoughts. I stopped feeding them. The most recent book I read (see below) talks about seeds of consciousness living in our minds. There are "right" seeds and "wrong" seeds. The name of the game is to water the right seeds and keep the wrong seeds dormant. If certain people tend to water your wrong seeds then one way to deal with them is to move away from them (or add them to your blocked senders file). This is a bit like what I found about achieving any goal, focus on the goal and spend your time with people that support your goal. The quest for excellence is no exception. One thing I wonder, is that if you draw a line through someone then perhaps that is not a very "excellent" thing to do. Well, you don't have to be cruel to that person, you just acknowledge that they water the wrong seeds and you have to move on. Interestingly (to me), the author points out that when someone betrays us, we are quite often the source of that betrayal -- our actions or inactions watering their seed of betrayal. Things to think about and clearly why there is never any right side in the end of a relationship. Oh Gordo, it was different in my case.... perhaps but I would wager a guess that the person raising that objection is your "ego" rather than your "soul". I know that is the way I feel about my own life. Of course, there are always exceptions to the "sowing the seeds of our own destruction" rule -- best to use extreme caution with those folks. Would life have been different if I watered the seeds of loyalty? Yes, but then I would have missed my swim in Kailua Bay this morning. It seems best to move forward with this knowledge and try to avoid repeating any mistakes. After all the best lessons are taught with much pain! Back to desire, longing, grasping -- all of these are terms that the Buddhists kick around a lot. I get a funny picture in my head when I think of a Buddhist monk - desiring, longing and grasping -- preconceptions coming out. When I really think about it -- I realize that we are all constantly subject to desire. Why should a priest, monk, teacher or nun be any different? I suppose, I have tended to see religious figures in abstract. I'm getting a bit sidetracked but , hey, I am on vacation so this is bound to happen. Back to desire -- remember my piece about Beauty? I had this conflict going on about beauty -- particularly physical beauty, actually feminine beauty. It just didn't seem fair to me on a cosmic scale. Well, I seem to have managed to move past that. Perhaps I went backwards and just fell into line with everyone else. Probably the biggest change I have noticed is that in accepting beauty, it is possible to see a lot more in the world around us. In seeing beauty everywhere (there is a lot out there), I have decided to kick back, appreciate it and make beauty an integral part of my life. I often joke with myself that "resistance is futile". I don't fight where life might take me, so why fight the way I feel and the people that life brings to me. Releasing one's self to beauty is incredibly liberating (and a little scary). The beauty of many people and situations leaves me feeling like it (or they) will consume me. I've been thinking about that and I think that fear is coming from a fear of being hurt. A reluctance to fully release myself and experience that situation for what it is. Deeply beautiful situations are relaxing, calming and a little intimidating. I'll keep you posted but, I am happy to report... so far, so good! Now we are starting to come full circle on this piece. Well actually it is half circle because I am looping back to desire. Two years ago, almost to the week, I sat down and wrote a list of ten changes that I wanted to have happen in my life. Basically, it was the Gordo Wish List.
1 - Touch someone with my writing Two years later, ten out of ten. I would like to say that "I" achieved them but it didn't work out that way. Actually, their achievement had everything to do with the actions of others and only a little bit to do with me. All I had to do was acknowledge where I wanted to go and then let everyone else take me there. It is really entertaining to watch as life brings exactly what you want. Writing down our goals seems to be a powerful tool for actually achieving them. Anyhow, the list was part of a program in The Arists Way, by Julia Cameron. A great book that has improved more than a few lives. So one year ago, I wrote a second list. It had one item on it. That one item was extremely specific. I mean, real, real specific. So, did the item appear? Yes and no -- to tell you might give the wrong impression and I don't want to mess with the cosmos/god/whomever is in charge. All I know for sure is that resistance is futile. :-)
All the best, gordo - 23 May 2001
My most recent read -- Thich Nhat Hanh, the heart of the Buddha's teaching - Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy & Liberation, Parallax Press, Berkeley, California, 1998. He's written over 50 books so there is a lot of his stuff out there! It's not what I expected -- very readable. |