More on Marriage
& How I Play the Game

From my cyber-mailbag. Keep that inspiration coming, people!

The article that most resonated with me was obviously the one on the path and the game. The things you said about your dad and your interaction were interesting. I try to collect "life options/flexibility" like its my job. Same reason I cringe every time the word marriage gets thrown around—seems like it will be the end of life as I know it. Sometimes I wonder if I could just have a long distance relationship for the rest of my life.

Why can't you have a long distance relationship forever? If that's what you want, then there are only two people who need to agree. Ultimately, in any relationship, there are only two people who need to be happy. There are powerful outside forces that impact on our happiness, but there are only two people who need to be satisfied.

Marriage is an interesting concept. It's one of those things that everyone aspires to, but only a precious few can pull off. I have to admit that the concept of marriage remains highly attractive to me. Loyalty, honour, fidelity, duty—all qualities I see in myself, and therefore, would enjoy the opportunity to express on a daily basis. The difficult part is the execution, and the most difficult part of the execution is the compromise required to be successful.

With the right sort of lady, I think I might be able to pull off a successful relationship. Not really sure about being able to pull off a successful marriage. As you know, my definition of a successful relationship is still changing and probably non-standard. I see all my previous relationships as successful because they provided joy and knowledge. Of course, they all ended (at one level) and society might categorise them as failures for this reason. I don't.

It's tough having any sort of relationship with someone like me. All my friends, my family, my loves—have always known that at the end of the day, I'd be okay if they left, died, whatever. My move to Australia/NZ is another example that made everyone feel uncomfortable. When you have a deep self-confidence, it can make people feel uneasy. Even more so when you follow your dreams while they remain tied to their daily existence.

Ever since I cleaned up my act, it made people feel even more wary. I think I appeared more human when I was a boozehound and overweight. Paradoxically, I find myself far easier to deal with in my current state. My writing is helping me relate to my family better. They can read my articles, see the joy in my life and know that my journeys are not a rejection of them. My journeys are part of a search, maybe. I am not sure right now. On reflection, maybe what my family/friends/lovers were/are telling me is that they don't feel loved. That is a recurring theme (above and below the surface) in my life over the last ten years.

People caution me that I am going to get sick of my new life. That causes me no stress at all. If I want to change then I will change. I am responsible for my happiness, and so long as I am happy, that is okay. A friend helped me realise that recently. I was talking about how I felt a little conflict inside. You see, someone inspired all those sexually charged poems. But maybe it wasn't even her. More likely it was "the concept of her" that inspired me. The conflict hit just after I wrote my piece on "One", and I felt that a radical shift in such a short period of time was "wrong".

My buddy pointed out that—quite rightly—I only need to be true to myself. If I want to change my mind, that is okay. Boom! It was like a lightning bolt. I had been reading some Chinese Philosophy that talks about being like water—that is where my river analogy came from (I forget the piece but it is in g-world somewhere)—the river winding towards its destination. The river is being modified by all the things around it, always moving forward. This is a tangent, but it makes a lot of sense to me. No matter what we do and where we head, we are learning and making progress. Even if it is unpleasant or appears to be a step backwards, there is something to be learned.

Some of this comes back to when I was writing about how everything feels easy to me. I decide what I want, point myself in that direction and work/research relentlessly until it is achieved. On the inside, I have no time for people with a "yes, but" mentality. That's total bullshit in my opinion. On the outside, I bite my tongue for two main reasons:

#1 - You never know just who you are talking to. As I get older, I've saved myself from embarrassment (or just plain stupidity) on a number of occasions by going slowly and probing a person's statements. There are a lot of highly knowledgeable people out there who appear (at least initially) to be totally clueless. Something to remember for venture capital. Quite often the quiet guy with the pocket protector knows more about the business than anyone else. In our deal teams, we have always tried to get different folks to pair up with a member of the management team. One-on-one casual interaction. If you are a nice guy and non-threatening, you'd be amazed at what people will tell you. We've managed to avoid losing a lot of money with this strategy.

#2 - Everyone has something to teach us. Even a total dickhead in a pub has something to teach us—patience, the folly of the juice... I probably started trying to practise rule #2 about two or three years ago. Since then, I have made new friends, better decisions and learned from people that I wouldn't have even bothered with back in my overstimulated days. It's related to the "don't judge a book by its cover" story, but I prefer it because it goes a bit further. It says there is something in every situation for you, all you need to do is find it. It gives hope in pointless situations—and long meetings. All I need to do is find the nugget of knowledge that I am supposed to pull out of each situation.

Short version: What made you so good at venture capital?

I am glad that I took a little time to reflect. You are not going to be surprised with my reply. I bet you know much of this already. However, seeing as you asked... I'll give it a go.

Long version: I would like to ask you more about venture capital. Feel free to respond or pass. Could you tell me a little bit about the mentality you had in venture capital, and your approach/philosophy to the work (the early to mid years).

You are right to split it by time on the job. Within any company, as your role changes, the reasons for your success will change.

I realize that this is an area that is a whole lot more varied/gray than training (no office politics in IM), but if you think of it like your "How I Qualified for IM" article, that may help. Sure, genetics always play a role in everything and maybe your brain is simply killer, but I don't buy that as the sole or even main reason for your success. The brain thing I view as a basic requirement to play the game. I think discipline, curiosity, and good habits are the foundation. I also wonder about geography, I wonder if you would have left venture capital so early if you had been doing it in San Francisco, for example.

Lots there.

Well, work is different from training. In training, I am always banging on about people focusing on their weaknesses. In the business world, you start with a search for your strengths. What can you do better than your peers? What can you do faster than your peers? What is higher quality than your peers? I bet this applies to every organisation and industry. When you are young or trying to establish yourself in the game, you need to discover your competitive advantage. Once discovered, you need to exploit your competitive advantage to its fullest extent.

Mine won't surprise you. I've always been both interested in, and good with figures. Accounting, finance, logical interpretation of legal documents are all areas where I score high. I just see things quickly. Patterns, things that look out of place. In those fields, I was born (or developed) an ability to learn very, very quickly.

In London, I was blessed with mentors that remain THE best in the world in my field. You should have seen the team I was working for. Six partners—between them I had access to commercial acumen, cutting edge finance, negotiating skills, everything. We were a strange looking bunch—men, women, Chinese, British, Canadian, American, tall, short, skinny, fat, bald, balding, young, old—but that's what made us such a powerful team. Everyone had a skill that was on par with the best in our industry. Additionally, we could relate at a personal level with every single person we had to deal with. We had someone for every role—worth remembering when the natural tendency of people is to recruit folks like themselves. There is true power in diversity.

Why did they like working with me?

I always hit my deadlines. After I got the hang of my job (about a year!), they knew that I could, and would deliver. They could go home for the weekend and I would have the answer waiting on Monday. If there was an investment recommendation to write, they could leave early and I would have a draft for them to review in the morning. I think this is something that people appreciate for your whole life. Give clients a clear indication of what is achievable, then always meet that deadline. This can be a challenge working in Asia. There's a different concept of time—equally valid, just different.

Throughout my whole career, whenever a senior or managing partner would give me an assignment, it instantly became my #1 priority. In both London and Hong Kong, the senior partners always commented that NO ONE replied faster than me, ever. Quality, timely replies. Gives them what they need, makes them feel important (don't let anyone tell you that doesn't matter), and establishes you as someone that cares about your job.

This topic can really be widened to at least a chapter. However, I have some weights calling my name, so I'll move on. There's more, but these are the biggest points that hit me.

So you've established your strengths and secured your position in the organisation. Now, it is time to work on your weaknesses. If you are in a partnership, you need to build bridges to EVERYONE in the firm. I am talking everyone (tea lady on up). You don't have to be liked by everyone (I may have managed it in Asia—after six years of trying!) but you need everyone to have no worse than a neutral opinion of you. Each person is a different nut to crack. If you like challenges, this is a big one.

Why do you need to be universally liked? You want your personal brand to have a good reference everywhere it is taken. You never know where and when you will need help. You will also never know the full group dynamics in your firm. I once worked with a guy (we remain pals) that was having some problems relating to a few of the staff. He knew the score, and we were talking about it. He told me with a smile, that he'd rather be feared than respected. I couldn't believe that statement! He left shortly thereafter.

From all this bridge building you will find allies in your firm. These are the people that will save you from yourself! Remember that office Christmas party I wrote about? Well, the senior partners universally agreed that my behaviour was "way out of line" [I still grin with the memories and NO I am not telling!]. My allies saved me. Without those allies, and with a few enemies, I would have been exposed. Of course, I was a little overstimulated back then and didn't realise the score. I see it now and am grateful that they gave young gordo a break.

Allies will often tell you things that are in your best interest, while possibly not in the firm's best interest. Was it in the best interest of the London office for me to move to Asia? No. Were they happy to see me go? Probably not. Was it in my best interest to go? Absolutely (in hindsight). It was a beautiful opportunity to see which partners put my personal interest in front of the firms (and their own). It was a bit of a revelation and gave me the opportunity to learn about each of these partners.

I am not expecting a magical essay or road map. I am not even all that concerned about the "acceleration" part of the equation, part of that is being at the right place at the right time. I agree with your philosophy that people have to figure things out for themselves. I am on my way to figuring this out, but I must say, every time you throw the "I am good at venture capital" line out, the questions start flooding in my mind: why, how, who, when?

No magical essay but a lot of words for you to consider. I think I have just written the Game II!

Don't believe everything about "being in the right place at the right time". You control where you are at any given moment. You control your daily behaviour. That impacts people's opinion of you. If you are positive, people want to be associated with you. If you are loyal, people want to help you. If you are true to yourself, you will see what is right for you. You are the master of your own destiny. Everyone is presented with opportunities. It is whether you are open to opportunity, and what you do when you see it that matters.

We each need to figure things out for ourselves, but there are teachers everywhere. You sent me an e-mail. I sat down and replied. Maybe you get something out of this, maybe I post a summary on g-world and someone else gets something out of it. You have just helped yourself and others. It truly blows me away the people that contact me and let me know that something I posted had an immediate worthwhile impact on them. You know, all this writing is done for myself. To get it all OUT of me. One could say that there is some kind of "master plan" for my inspiration, but that doesn't matter. The Lord helps those who help themselves—maybe. I prefer to see it as "help yourself and you will help others." Not a new concept! "Be truly whole and all things will come to you." - Lao Tzu.

You know, thinking about venture capital...

#1 - I loved it.
#2 - I immersed myself in it.
#3 - I learned everything I could about it.
#4 - I made strong contacts in the field.
#5 - I worked hard to enhance my image with my peers.

That is the same strategy I used through high school, university, venture capital and triathlon. What a realisation! I have been doing the same thing the whole time.

I truly loved venture capital. Once the flame started to flicker a little, it was time for me to move on. Your comment about San Francisco is a great one. I just spent a little time thinking about "what if". I was picturing my wife in that life. She's pretty hot, but she was wearing jeans, not formalwear! Anyhow, my mind pulled me back. "What if" doesn't matter. Today matters. Would I still be in San Francisco if I were in venture capital. Maybe? But even more likely is that I wouldn't be in venture capital if I were in San Francisco—that's a different path. Will I be in venture capital when I am in San Francisco? Doubt it. Although, I do coach a venture captital recruitment consultant! How ironic is that!

I agree, I am not ready to give everything up in my life for IMH qualifying.

I sense that's the right decision for you.

Kona is like Everest, like money, like a promotion—once you get there, you realise that you are the same guy who started the journey. That's not to say that the destination is not a worthy one (it rocks bay-bee!)—it is that I have found the journey is where all the personal growth takes place. The secret is getting that growth in EVERY journey you take—ideally in EVERY day you live. That's my version of enlightenment. Are you tired of reading that yet?

That's what I have been trying to express with my Path articles. The concept is that with the right frame of mind, we don't have to [insert radical gordo hobby here] to achieve growth. It's something that I will continue to work on.

Two hours ago, I put down my journal after writing for two minutes. I felt a tinge of guilt as I booted up my computer to work on a piece that wasn't freeform. You see, I like to ramble at least once a day. That's why people never really know what kind of reply they will get when they send me a note. It is also a large part of why I am hooked on the 'net. It is a huge source of inspiration. What other medium would let a guy on the other side of the world inspire me to crank out various ideas?

Thanks!

gordo

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