I’m in regular type, my buddy is in italicized print.

I wasn't sure if you would respond because I would be someone who was from your "old life", but I am glad you did.

I know what you mean here. Even though I have left certain elements of that life behind, I am still thankful for having experienced everything. I can't change a thing, might as well accept it. Anyhow, it was a lot of fun. We had a blast.

I'm not 100% thankful for the gordo-grief inflicted throughout that period, but the women in my life have forgiven me and through their forgiveness, I have managed to forgive myself and learn from the experience. That's really the only thing that the past is useful for — teaching us lessons.

I should have told you more about the reason I contacted you. I thought about trying to see if you were in London over Christmas when I was there, but then I thought, "No, let sleeping dogs rest or lie still" or whatever the hell the cliché is. I truly have such good memories of you. But then when I came across your website (on a work assignment of all things), I was intrigued because here is someone who had the same struggles with alcohol as me and on the same timeline too. That is really what I want to know. Did I misinterpret your website or has it been a struggle to get out of that party mode?

Lots of thoughts arrive...

Chemistry — Whenever I have been in a sexual relationship with a lady, there has been a powerful attraction between us. Full on, serious emotions. Don't know why that is. No doubt it is related to my approach to life and (through that) the nature of the people that I am attracted to. The past is a tricky thing and our minds can cause us trouble when they cling to the past. There will always be a tie between us — bound through common experiences, lots of fun and some wild situations.

All the crazy things that I did in my life are a source of immense calm for me. You see, I can calmly sit around when pals get trashed, laid, hammered, whatever... I don’t have the same drive to compete in that arena. I am simply happy with where I am.

The Struggle — When we were together, I had a POWERFUL urge to drink. That urge stayed with me for several years. Probably until my late 20s. I used to flip the switch after about three or four drinks and then get seriously hammered. Over time, I have found that the switch has moved farther and farther away. I've also lost my urge to drink heavily. I get blasted from time to time, say twice a year. It seems to make some people around me happy. I expect that I'll drop that too over time. Or not. I have managed to find a self-acceptance that so long as I act with integrity, WHATEVER I do is fine. I have booze hound pals that are some of the best people around. I know some non-drinkers that "just don't get it". Alcohol is a drug, an addiction for some, but I don't think it is a problem in itself. However, its misuse can be damaging.

Addiction — In my experience, most everyone is addicted to something. Frankly, I have yet to meet an elite in any field that is not compulsive. Again, addiction or compulsion is not really the issue. Understanding ourselves, loving our whole selves and behaving with integrity — for me — that is the real aim for a rewarding life.

But after you basically quit all that you do need a physical outlet or you go insane.

I agree 100% and would add that it need not be physical for everyone. You and I are physical people (as are most the people that I am close to in my life).

It only feels like you are going insane! In actual fact, we are leaving our insanity behind. We leave the cloud of drugs/alcohol/work/training/whatever, and are faced with all this time to think. We suddenly find out what WE are really like. Some folks find that very unsettling and it takes a lot of self-love to move through to the next stage, which is unique for each of us.

Back to the struggle, anyways I have had a hard time keeping things in check. After I moved out I basically quit everything (permanently) except for alcohol. That seemed to be going fine but then I would sometimes binge. Sometimes I would be dating someone and we would have a crazy night then the next morning I would wake up feeling horrendous and tell the guy.

OK, mock conversation...

Me - "I think maybe I should go to AA I feel like maybe I am an alcoholic."
Guy - "You, no way. You barely ever drink. So you get wasted once in a blue moon. So what. Forget it."
Me - "No, you don't know me I used to be really out of control. All those nights I have only a couple of drinks I have to concentrate really hard and be conscious of what I am drink at all times, sometimes it is not that much fun"
Guy - (laughs) "That's what I love about you, your so dramatic!"

So I think, great then why didn't I win a fricking Oscar for all those hangovers, blackouts, and slurred speech nights.

So true! But you are in total control. You know the way you are and you have a method to deal with that. Our pasts are behind us, nothing we can do about them. Sounds like you have it figured out for yourself. Frankly, you are really lucky! We both went hard at an early age and realized that what we thought we needed was not what we needed at all.

Your attraction to artistic expression is interesting for me. I think that a creative outlet is essential for everyone to be happy. It will be different things for different people, but creative expression plays an important role in the lives of most the people that I consider to be happy with themselves. Perhaps we were just repressed artists!

So, I even went to some AA meetings to see what it is all about. I felt it was the wrong place for me.

The process that you have gone through is similar to way AA has been explained to me. However, the AA process is pretty universal in its application — you can see lots of the theories in books as old as the Bible.

So, my brother (who is amazing to talk to) finally said "You’re thinking about this way to much.

Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. In my view, there is nothing more important than our physical/mental/spiritual well being. This topic cuts across all realms of us. It's pretty important! I used to live in terror of slipping back to the 'old days'. However, once I was able to establish better control over myself — these fears subsided. Perhaps my better track record gave me support.

Thinking Too Much — Another idea on topics that keep coming back and back is forgiveness. Perhaps you haven't forgiven yourself for that period of your life. Your "new you" may be telling you how silly you were back then and this keeps it coming up over and over again. I get the same thing. What works for me is to realize that "new G" and "old G" are the same G — sort of. If you want to get really Zen about it, then in actual fact, there is no G. Just an endless series of present moments. That's a topic for another time but I will touch on reincarnation in a moment.

You know, it can be dangerous to associate with people from the 'old days'! People trigger memories, memories can trigger desires and desires can trigger behaviours.

So now I do not drink at all except for wine. I will only ever have two glasses no matter what or one beer. Anyways these rules have been working for me the last five years so I am happy about that. But I still always have that temptation or craving to get completely trashed. It is not as strong as it was but it still always lingers. I definitely think I am a binge alcoholic and think I will always have to watch myself.

Remember that you are perfect exactly the way you are. The fact that you have a system that "works" for you and know your patterns is a very powerful position.

Binge Alcoholic — I've always appreciated a good binge! Just rode my bike 740KM this week. The ability to bring a tremendous amount of focus to one item (alcohol, work, sex, training, a race, an order, a child) is a valuable skill when directed properly. The secret is to learn to control the addiction rather than having it control us.

Personally, I like to binge on life!

I guess I was wondering if you ever went to AA or if this has been as hard for you. It is hard to find people to talk to about this because I am in a unique situation. I guess this is why I contacted you to see what your feelings on this subject were.

No meetings with AA but imagine that I would recognize a lot of what goes on. My process has been straightforward. I have always moved directly towards where I wanted to go.

You only think that you are in a unique situation because you haven't talked to many people about it. I can offer you 100% assurance that these issues surround your current life. Many people don't like to talk about it because of the social stigmas associated about having "problems". However, the whole world has "problems". So, in reality, the normal state of affairs is to have "problems". Frankly, our problems are really the greatest gifts that we have in our lives. They are the quickest way for us to achieve self-knowledge and growth. There is nothing more boring than a well-adjusted person — some people think that I am quite boring these days but they rarely doubt that I am happy. I see myself as happily mal-adjusted, rather than well-adjusted. I really like my flaws but they aren't really flaws. Lots of circles in this reply!

If I know my major problems and then tell the whole world about them, then the problems lose their power over me. It is also a path to true strength. However, we need to have a deep self-love because there will be people who use our own words against us as well as against those that we love.

I think the key to dealing with this is balance. I notice many alcoholics take one addiction and put into another. I don't think I have fallen into that trap. I also have an addictive personality.

Is it a trap? The trap is to move from one controlling addiction to another. However, there are many positive and productive addictions. Frankly, I see an addictive personality as a huge gift when properly channelled.

Ever notice how so many people go through life without thinking about it?

That is part of the reason why our problems are such a gift. For most of us, it takes something pretty major to wake us up (divorce, disease, redundancy...).

I think I am a repressed artist. I definitely have the ultra-sensitive quality. Sometimes I think being so conscious and sensitive can be like an illness because you are always feeling (both pleasure and pain) and it can make you crazy. Or just think too much or over-analyze like in my case.

That is normal and we all have that to varying degrees. One thing I have found recently is that when I am true to my path (my calling, whatever you want to call it) that perceived criticism is a lot less frequent. I say perceived criticism because our mind is the instrument that makes us feel, that interprets every situation. For example, someone could say something "awful" about us — we could feel hurt, we could be amused, we could feel nothing, we could feel compassion — whatever we feel is 100% independent of that person. They are not making us feel anything. It all comes from inside us.

But I would rather be aware in life than a zombie, like some people are.

Sometimes I feel a lot, sometimes I feel very little. The people that are closest to me and know me best quite often tell me that I am cold. That's not what they really mean — what I think they really mean is, "I love you so much and wish that you made me feel loved more often. Life is so good when I feel loved."

Of course, it is a risky proposition to rely on the outside world for feelings of well-being. I think that nearly all of us do have this reliance.

I think you are right about addiction. It can be positive if channelled correctly. We all do have addictions. Did you ever see the movie "Requiem for a Dream"? It was all about addiction. Except it was so dark, I do think you can have positive addictions. Addiction and binge seem to be words that have negative connotations in society. But it is all relative, right?

I didn't see the movie. Dark movies leave me flat for WEEKS! I am a bit of a marshmallow man with those hard hitting movies.

Societies' View — That is a topic that interests me. Lots of elements of community are very useful. In fact, part of why I like Christchurch is my little community down here. However, certain aspects of what is considered normal in our society are really useless (for me). Having to live a certain way, career path expectations, family path expectations — it just isn't right for me. Taking a look at Western Society (violence, drugs, suicide, intolerance), I would say that much of it isn't right for other people as well.

Do you think there is any truth to that reincarnation theory that says we keep being reincarnated until we are perfect? That is why some people are so talented at things right off the bat (e.g. a child prodigy like Beethoven). Or do you think it is rubbish?

Reincarnation — I was thinking about it this morning while driving back home. Right now, I don't see it in the classical sense. The concept is somewhat soothing from a death perspective and I suppose that is why so many people enjoy believing it.

What I see is an endless circle of life and we are part of that circle for a moment. The food we eat, the water that we drink — literally becomes "us" — when we die, we return "ourselves" to that cycle. In effect, we ARE the cycle. Our minds build a scenario that we are separate and outside of the cycle. Within me are atoms that used to "belong" to other people, other animals, other plants — "I" am borrowing them for a while and when I am done with them, they will move along to their next destination.

Everything is flowing around the cycle — it is only our minds and our perception of time that creates a separate view. To a may-fly we are eternal, to piece of granite we are merely a gust of wind. That's a bit existential but it's what makes the most sense to me right now — it seems to fit with the basic message of all the Great Prophets (choose your favourite, the message is there).

First, I think you hit it on the head about "forgiveness". If I am completely honest with myself, I would have to say I have not completely forgave myself for some of the things I have done. Guilt can be very powerful. I feel like I hurt some people (mostly all male) by being so selfish with my self-destructive behaviour. But was it all tied to alcohol? No, the answer is more complex than that. This is where society's expectations come into play.

Forgiveness is a tough one. Non-forgiveness is related to clinging to the past, to things that we cannot change. The only thing that we can impact is "right now" what you are doing at this instance. What you have done and what you will do are not really an issue. This concept is a very powerful one to put in practice. Tough at first as our minds come back at us reminding us of things that we have done in the past. It's just a game. The mind works by recording and cataloguing past images, sounds, etc., so it is always living in the past. Past associations, past impressions — when we are able to break free, we quite often see that the present is a whole lot different than we imagined. All these things that we thought were going on — plainly don't exist. Life becomes some simple and those around us become amazed as how clear we are able to think. I've had people tell me that they think that I can read their minds — I am merely able to hear w! hat they are telling me.

When I was younger, I was engaged after one year of dating someone, things didn't work out and the relationship ended. I felt really bad about it but add everyone telling me I am idiot because he was the best catch. (Great job, great athlete, cultured, comes from nice family, etc...) So then I felt extreme guilt later due to my own selfishness plus everyone trying to tell me what I should do.

Let's step back from "society" for a moment. When I say "people" and "society", what I typically mean is the key people in my life. I'm just being polite in case they read my stuff! ;-) When I know that something is right for me, and then receive resistance from key people — that can give me major conflicts. Back in my uni days, I think they called it cognitive dissonance (ex: I like A, I like B, A doesn't like B — problemo). It took me 30+ years to realize that none of it really matters...

...because I need to do what's true for me

...because I will continue to love my pals regardless of their flawed ideas! ;-)

...because they want what THEY think is best for me, they are motivated by love

...because I rarely know what is best for me, so it's impossible for anyone else

...because we all see the world through our own filters, no one sees things as they truly are because the truth is what each of us make it.

But this brings up the topic of societies great expectations. I remember something in your website about how it must be hard for a thirty-something in general society. I can relate to this. Every time I start dating someone, everyone always starts bugging me, "Is he the one?" I am sure you have heard this whole song and dance from your other friends.

Yes, it is pretty standard. However, it is not just our friends that do it. We do it to ourselves. Our programming is very deep, possibly into our genetic patterns. I look around me and don't see any correlation between that path and happiness/satisfaction. Sounds like you managed to learn this lesson without a divorce. Lucky you! The way I approach it is that if someone fits my path, then that is cool. I seem relaxed but I have zero tolerance for someone that won't support my mission. Sounds pretty radical, perhaps it's why I am single and happy.

When people say things that bother us, we should always ask ourselves why. With many of these issues that used to REALLY get me excited, they just flow through me. In fact, I smile when I think about them. The folly of the world and the folly of G for believing all those dreamscapes. In fact, I spend a lot of time smiling at myself and all the crazy ideas that I manage to cook up. With endurance training and mountaineering, you do find yourself in some surreal situations as times.

But I ask you, does every relationship have to last forever? I do not think so. What about the guy or girl you meet on an airplane or in a coffee shop and talk to for five hours then never see again. This is about the shortest relationship you would have but you get my point.

Yes and no.

Yes, every relationship lasts at least as long as it remains in our minds. I have a very good friend that is dead. He's still with me nearly every day. I'm sure that he is with his parents every day. For nothing exists except in our minds. Take me for example. "I" am letters on your screen. No wait, I am a mixture of black and white pixels. Hang on, black and white doesn't exist so I am a combination of red, blue and yellow pixels. Go deeper and deeper — eventually you come back to the atoms that I mentioned earlier. Except this time they are atoms on your screen, energy that has been organized and transferred from my breakfast, to my brain, to my fingers, to my phone line, to your phone line.... so Gordo is a concept that has been built in your mind (and mine!). I am sure that we each see "me" completely differently.

That wasn't your point but it was a fun diversion for me!

Forever — nothing lasts forever and, like you, I don't value the importance or depth of an experience by its duration.

However, long time relationships do have certain characteristics that are valuable for us. Certainly in a community of individuals, it makes a lot of sense (from a survival aspect) to value certain relationships (family, geographic, tribal...).

...and what about this idea of soul mates. Frankly, I think this is not true.

I had a recent idea on soul mates. Given that our minds are what create our individual reality, then it makes sense that our minds would "like" certain concepts better than others. Perhaps the circuits get used more or these concepts just happen to appeal to our neutral programming. So, perhaps the "soul mate" feeling that many people feel towards others is the result of a fondness for their concept of their "mate". That is a bit of dry explanation — "You only like me because you think you like me..."

A more powerful explanation is that we will always feel towards people that...

...are accepting

...see us the way we want to be seen

...make us feel deeply (hate, pain, love, joy)

...surround us in love.

To really make a lasting positive impact on someone, the greatest strategy is to be patient and surround them in love and acceptance. Tough to do, but near impossible to resist. The 'secret' appears to be to truly not want anything in return. I think that is also the toughest part.

This is another "American Beauty"(great movie, hope you saw it, I am so American with all my pop culture references) idea like the fairy tale of Prince Charming will sweep you off your feet and you will live in a white picket fence house with two kids and drive this nice car with a husband who has a good, steady career. Personally, this sounds like hell to me. But you would not believe how many of my girlfriends and girls in general buy into this. Am I a freak for not wanting this?

If it sounds like hell to you then it's not for you. However, that doesn't mean that it's not for others. I think it works for some people. However, the issue with finding meaning and satisfaction lies more inside us than in the life situation that we choose for ourselves.

Some people have told me to my face I am crazy.

That tells you more about their insecurities than whether your path is right. However, your reaction to their statements is a source of knowledge for you. I have amazed myself at how I completely miss criticism these days. Lots of stuff (but not everything!) just flows right by.

When I was always wasted I was kind of cocky. I never second-guessed myself in any way. Now I tend to second-guess myself on many issues. Because I think I always thought I was right about this or that but I was also out of my mind. It is hard to close out societies expectations but I have to do what is right for me. Back to this soul mate thing, I think the idea is very romantic but I think you can have many soul mates or maybe just your family are your soul mates. What is your opinion on this?

We weren't conscious enough to second-guess ourselves! When the past holds no ties to you, you are not second-guessing, you are doing what is right at the present moment. I used to (and still do) get caught up in sticking to the plan. Whatever the plan may have been. This is a very Western trait — holding the course, come what may. In the East, when circumstances change, the plans must change. It's just the way things are — of course, they use this to their advantage in business dealings. It's a lot of fun to work within that framework. Very challenging to the Western mind.

You shouldn't beat yourself up for changing in any form (thoughts, guesses...). Change is natural and inevitable.

We can have as many soul mates as we want. There are those that say when we are truly awake to the true "reality" of things we will see that everything is our soul mate. That thought lies beneath the teachings of all the Great Prophets.

For me, the ultimate romance is realizing that love can be a source of true meaning. To approach the world with love, joy and an open heart can be immensely fulfilling. I find that my experiences with nature help me realize a lot of those feelings. That's why I think that cities dampen many people's true natures. Packed in, lack of nature, high stress — it's not the way that I was meant to live. Again, it is quite likely that is works for others. Perhaps I just haven't learned enough to experience the same wonder in the presence of skyscrapers.

I notice in the United States there is this huge pressure to be perfect, to be superwoman. Example, have a killer career, perfect husband, be a perfect wife, have kids, be a perfect mom, be in perfect shape, etc... This is not possible and my mother has always told me "You can't do everything, just do what is best for you" Good advice but I agree that this schedule that everyone puts themselves on is not working (e.g. divorce, substance-abuse, crime, etc...) You have lived all over the world. Do you think it is like this everywhere or only in some places? What about Hong Kong vs. New Zealand? Do you think it is harder for one sex than the other?

I see the same issues all over the world. Although I have to admit that there are a lot more happy people living simple lives than running Fortune 500 companies. I believe that we tend to think that more is better and most of the time less is better. I have a favourite book. In that book is a favourite saying... "Have little, want less" — four words. Anyone that can truly embrace these words is a long way towards a fulfilling life. In conjunction with clinging to the past — want more, trying to become something else, resistance to change — these are the factors that create suffering in our lives.

From what I have seen and experienced, the issues span the sexes. Their unique biochemistry means that each sex probably experiences life differently. Certainly the physical pressures are greater on women than with men. However, men likely have their unique pressure as well - after all, they are committing most of the murders, rapes... something is up there. There are many things that point to differences between the sexes.

HK v. NZ — totally different worlds. However, the issues that drive dissatisfaction are exactly the same.

I never thought about my problems as a gift, but I really like your idea.

It's not my idea. Actually none of these are my ideas. They come from some of the best thinkers in the world. I read a lot and tend to remember what makes sense to me. I also like to pass along views that have helped me see through many of the barriers that I created in my own life.

I like your idea about the cycle too. That is more scientific. So if we are just part of nature's cycle, then what about after life or heaven? Do you think this is a fairytale idea too?

Heaven. I don't think it really matters whether it exists or not. The only sane way to behave is with integrity and love. If we do that then I can't imagine being turned away.

Life after death — I love this one. There is a koan (Zen riddle) that goes... "What did you look like before your parents were born?" It took me a while but that helped me realize that in as much as we exist, we are everlasting. There is a PM Dawn song that goes, "we always are, because we never were".

When I think back to history and all those people's difficult lives I think sometimes people clutch to religion for the wrong reasons. They do everything for afterlife they don't live in the present. Or maybe their lives are so sad they don't want to live in the present.

When we clutch anything, it is usually for the wrong reason. As well, most of our lives are only as difficult as we choose to perceive them. It really doesn't take very much to be extremely comfortable and happy. Especially for those of us who live in the West. Of course, we need to understand the true source of our happiness, and that can be quite tough.

But back to soul mates, if they do exist are you reunited with them in another life. What about this theory you are always with the same people in every life or cycle. Like maybe my brother was my husband in the last cycle or life?

Does it matter? Would you love your brother any less if he was your husband last time? Chances are that my atoms were used by some folks before me. So I guess I might have known a few of them.

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