One
I was writing an outline of this just now, and said to myself... "Why not just write the thing?" Here goes...
Talking about them again. Who? Everyone. Who is everyone? They are society, our peers, our bosses, our friends, our family - throw them all together and average their thoughts - you get "them", and "they" form our norms of behaviour. I tend to live most of my life on the far side of their standard deviation. A deviant? By definition yes, but then, so are most of my friends. So if we are all outliers, perhaps that makes us normal in our world. Perhaps that's why ultra-endurance sports have certain cult like qualities. Examples...
- Our own languages, codes and rituals.
- Zealous devotees.
- Our own communication networks - RST, Tri-DRS, TNO, eGroups, Xtri, Comments Pages...
- An undivided focus to our goals (the Goddess of Speed?).
Anyhow, that wasn't what I wanted to write about, it just came out. That is an article about what attracts people to IM, and is related to the link between different forms of addiction.
What has been on my mind is being single, being one. Why has this been on my mind? Well, I have been single for a long time and I have noticed a few things.
Why does everyone look like I told them their dog died when I say I am divorced? It's not the end of the world, and if I wanted to be married we would still be together. Thanks, I am glad I got that off my chest.
Why do people always ask you if are with someone, but never ask if you are happy? Given the number of folks in marginal relationships, I would expect the first question folks would ask would be, "Are you happy these days?" Once again, hats off to my brother, Chuck, who always takes the lead with the right question. You da man!
Yes, I am sensitive when folks ask me about whether I am with anyone. That sensitivity is pointing at something that I have been trying to explore. Why is it bothering me? Probably because I am hearing, "there is something wrong with you if you are single". Is that what they are asking? I don't know. Maybe they are saying, "you would be happier if you were with someone"? Maybe they are just trying to start a conversation?
Let's not take any one example, but I get this general feeling that "they" believe I would be happier if I just lived like them. Well, I tried that and it was a total disaster - I really don't have the urge to deal with it again just at the moment, and am perfectly happy with my pals, my writing and my bike.
But, what about shagging? You know you have "them" on the ropes when they pull that one out. We have a very strong urge to shag and for good reason. However, having been "their" kind of single for a few periods of my life - ultimately, it is not a source of happiness, truth or contentment. It is a momentary wave of pleasure and I am not much different after than before. That is to say, I am unchanged. I haven't grown from the experience. Now, do I truly grow from all the training I do? I doubt it, but I do find it useful for thinking and it generates similar sort of endorphins (YMMV!).
I will 100% say that relationships with women have been the source of the vast majority of the key lessons that I have learned in my life.
- Self knowledge
- Suffering
- Love
- Loyalty
- Smiles
- Pleasure
- Truth
Why doesn't anyone mention that to you when you are a young man? I probably wouldn't have listened anyhow. Now, a lot of this knowledge came out of sexual relationships, but not necessarily all of it. Another interesting thing that I noticed, is that a lot of it came after the relationship was over (i.e. I didn't learn squat until I was able to get some perspective on the situation).
As well, the women didn't necessarily teach me these lessons. They were learned from living through the situation. A few times, they had no motivation to teach, and were striving for something completely different.
Ultimately, all the relationships ended, but does that make them a failure? Some of "them" would say so. Even I would have said so at the start of my own divorce. It wasn't until I was able to distance myself from the tidal wave of failure bearing down on me, that I was able to get some perspective. I suspect that most people have a tough time (for very good reasons) gaining perspective when they are directly, or indirectly, involved in a divorce or similar situation. There is a lot of fear, pain and anger flying around. The people closest to you watch you suffer, and quite naturally blame others for its source. Hey, what if I am the source and the cure for my pain!?
By very carefully avoiding blame (as best I could) in my own mind (and writing like a maniac), I feel that I managed to avoid turning the whole thing into a disaster. Many times, I felt that I was being lured into a situation where one explosion would have had significant repercussions. Like I was on a conveyor belt, slowly humming towards imminent disaster. By staying calm, major disaster was averted. There's more (so much more!), but I figure that many of those thoughts I have are just "my reality" and not necessarily true.
All these useful failures sound suspiciously like good "bad events" again. I think they are. Each relationship has something to teach us, regardless of the outcome.
So, should we chase relationships for this knowledge? I don't know. I am wondering if I could have learned the lessons without having been in the relationships. I doubt it. In order to really learn something - you need to experience it. So then, am I missing out on additional knowledge by not entering into another relationship? If I am happy, does it matter? Right now, my answer is, "no, it doesn't matter".
I know plenty of people that are lonely within relationships (I've seen it in their eyes). What is the source of loneliness? Not sure. The relationship is not generating the expected happiness. Surprise. The happiness has to come from the inside. Perhaps that is why I feel pretty constant within and without relationships. I'm generally rolling along and know that regardless, the sun will come up, the stars will shine and I will keep going. Not much of a romantic - but I am, just different.
I should make a confession that my whole take on this is radically skewed by the fact that I have one of the highest needs for solitude that you will ever come across. If it were any higher you would never hear from me! 
That is a large part of why I like the 'net so much. The world at your fingertips, but you can pull the plug (or add to your kill file) when it gets too much. Superficial? Maybe, but I don't think many of my cyberpals would agree with you. It is certainly a safer form of interaction, and a medium that enables you to find people of a similar slant all over the world. Bridges that "finding folks like me" gap. I do have to watch myself though. I need to keep in the "real world". It's very fun and fulfilling - that real world.
While I am here, one more thought on the 'net. The beauty of the net is that it strips out all physical characteristics. No sight, smell, sound, hearing, taste, or touch...just one mind to another. I love that. That was the best lesson of this last summer. A powerful lesson in our society where everything is based on appearance, background, schools, etc.... I love it. There is no way I could have learned that lesson in real life. The senses overwhelm. I often joke with people that I am far better in concept than in reality. Well, on the 'net, I have met many people who are better in reality than in concept. Not sure if that one comes across, but it is a long way of saying I learned not to judge a book by its cover. Only took 31 years! Of course, I didn't really learn it because I came back to Hong Kong in September, and blew it the first time I was given a similar test. Still, at least I noticed that I blew it!
That's all for now. My diary entry for the day. Just wanted to make this one public.
gordo