You said that you've changed your mind re these two writings . . . but not in what way. Care to elaborate? This isn't a test or anything. I'm just curious. :-)

Ah yes, why did I change my mind? Well, I change my mind pretty much constantly on all manner of things. This ties in nicely with an article that I have had in my head for the last few days. So your timing is excellent.

Remember that what I read in my pieces is very different from what you read. So the feelings that I get from my writing probably don't match the feelings that others experience.

First the "easy" one... Marriage

I still believe a lot of what I wrote in that article is true. However, I wrote that piece when I was still very much in the middle of the healing process from my divorce. I was probably a bit angry at the whole sacrament of marriage. I may have felt that the sacrament betrayed me. I never really explored that anger. Now it is gone so I don't have the opportunity to try to locate its source. There are a few reasons why I amended the title rather than the article. Some of the reasons aren't valid anymore either! The present is a dynamic place...

First, I felt that the piece comes across as angry. Not being angry anymore, I didn't want the reader to "worry" for me. Perhaps I didn't want to worry about myself. I rarely go back and edit my pieces. I feel that they stand on their own and are a reflection of one moment in time. The tricky part is that someone could read a piece two or three years after I wrote it. Many will assume that I still feel that way. In fact, most of the feelings leave me as soon as I upload to my site. That's why I write!

Next, I reflected on marriage. What it means to me as well as what it means to others. Marriage still doesn't mean much to me (or to our society at large as far as I can tell). Love, honesty and integrity -- those values have meaning to me. Many of the things that men and women look for in marriage, they can provide for themselves. In fact, I believe that if we are able to enter into a relationship with a stable core, a stable self, then the relationship has a much better probability for success.

By success, I don't mean holding hands until we die peacefully in our sleep in our 90s. I mean an open, honest, supportive relationship. Relationships tend to wax and wane through the cycles of our lives. My most successful relationships extend through time and are based on a mutual respect and understanding of each other's character.

As for sexual relationships, I've changed my view on that -- you'll see a bit of my current views in some of my writing from this summer. However, that isn't really relevant to this discussion (except it certainly influences many people's discussion of marriage as well as my view towards any lady that I might marry).

So in a sense, I am still "rejecting" marriage at a certain level but only for myself. If I met a very special lady, who felt that marriage was important, then I would be open to the idea. You wouldn't have caught me saying that when I wrote the piece. My gut tells me that any lady that I mean who is "right" for me will likely feel the same way about marriage. Many of us cling to marriage as we have been conditioned to believe that it is essential. I used to think it was essential (at some point) -- now I see it as more of an option.

Why did I change the title of my piece on "Why"?

Basically, I was feeling a little lonely when I wrote that piece. I left the loneliness behind. When I changed the titles, I viewed loneliness (and anger) as signs of weakness. Part of me wanted to delete those articles to remove the record of my weakness. But another part said that it is OK to be weak. It is OK to be whatever you are.

When I started my journey a year ago, part of my motivation was to travel the world and meet a special lady. A partner, a soul mate, who would be a source of inspiration and balance for me. Paradoxically, my ex-wife helped show me the true way, and in teaching me she started an interesting chain of events for herself. Isn't it always that way!

Earlier this year, she wrote me that the concept of a soul mate is a fallacy and doomed to failure because until we are able to complete ourselves, the same things will continually pop up in our relationships with others. [To be fair to Angela, she may or may not have written that -- it's what I read!]

At one level, I thought that I had achieved this. I was happy, I was content, I rarely became angry -- in short I felt more at ease than at any time in my life. However, I still had this desire to find a companion. Perfectly natural you say -- yes but I had an interesting realisation a little while ago. Let me tell you a story...

Last week I went for a hiking trip in the woods. Sixty-eight miles and plenty of mountains spread over four days. It was a demanding trip (in a sense) but I was comfortable (in a sense) the whole way.

I slept on the ground and ate my meals out of a foil bag (much lighter than carrying a pot). For about 100 hours, my life was very simple, eat, hike, eat, sleep, repeat. My journey went past trees, wildlife, rivers and alpine passes. The weather was perfect -- not too hot during the day, not too cold at night, barely a cloud in the sky.

On the first day I blistered my feet. Ironman training is great, but it does leave one with the tendency to ignore early warning signals. These days, if I can still move and I am not cramping... I am happy! On the second day, the blisters popped. By the evening of the third day (following a 20-mile, two pass, 6000 ft vertical day) my feet were sticking to my sleeping bag. Not the sort of trip most people would enjoy. I had the best sleep of the trip that night and awoke fully refreshed ready to face the day.

At the start of Day Four, 25 miles separated me from my car. I knew that I could hitch eight of them so that left 17 fun filled miles! My feet were totally stuffed but I told myself that pain is only a sensation experienced by the mind. It can be overcome!

After fifteen minutes of hobbling up the trail, my thoughts had changed to "this must be what torture feels like" -- by the end of the first mile I was desperate. Fortunately, I had brought a pair of flip-flops for exactly this situation. Relief was immediate and complete. Alpine hiking in flip-flops presents its own challenges but I consoled myself that my "Sherpa Workboots" are the footwear of choice for many a porter. If they work for the Nepalese then they would see me right.

Late afternoon, I made it back to my car. Pretty whipped but very relaxed and pleased with my trip. Most of the time, my mind was empty -- hours of walking mediation, focusing on my breath and looking at the trail in front of me. At least, that's what meditation (and prayer) is for me. When I felt like it, I would tell a joke or debate the meaning life. At other times, I was planning my future or brainstorming about issues that face my friends and athletes -- mostly, my mind was still water.

After driving my car to a nearby lake for a quick "bath", I was heading North on my way to catch a ferry. To my left was a setting sun, the sky was ablaze with shades of red, orange and purple. I had this little game going where I was kissing a woman that was composed of all the ladies that I have ever loved. It's a strange game because I end up kissing a feeling (love, I guess) rather than a specific image of a woman.

I was very relaxed when I heard a conversation start up...

"Wasn't that a wonderful trip!"
"Yes, it's a shame that we don't have anyone to share it with."

"I agree, but you know she wouldn't have been able it keep up."
"You're right and there's no way she would have agreed to Day Three."

"Absolutely..."

It was then that a smile slowly spread across my face as "I" held those two guys in my heart and looked at them with a deep compassion. They didn't understand, but I finally did.

gordo - 18 September 2001

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