Beauty, Relationships and Life
I should be on my bicycle right now, but after treating myself to a heavenly sleep (can you say 12 full hours of glorious rest), I decided to read some philosophy. Well, the reading lead to some inspiration on a few topics, and the ride can wait. Time for some "soul training".
I've been kicking around a series of ideas on beauty for the last six weeks. There were certain concepts that were bothering me. When something is a source of bother, I have found that there is normally a large amount of truth lurking somewhere behind that bother. I've been sharing my bother in pieces with a few friends and touching on it in my writing. I've been consciously and unconsciously asking for direction on this topic.
The issue starts with my attraction to beauty. I love beautiful things: sunrises, sunsets, Orion, trees, forests, tigers, bears, jaguars, men, women, kids, Kailua Bay, water, clouds... We are surrounded by beauty at all times and it is a great gift to be able to see this beauty. Even in the middle of Hong Kong, I would find myself marveling at a tree, a bird, a businesswoman, or some other item of beauty.
I feel that modern society (and academia) tries to teach us that, in many ways, a deep appreciation of female beauty is wrong. When I write about the physical beauty I see in women, I just know that I am walking a fine line. I sense an overall feeling that we shouldn't differentiate between (or at least speak about) the beauty of different people. I like to look at it another way. Perhaps we should try to see the beauty in every woman, each as a special creation and unique in her own way.
Beautiful to be able to write something like that - near impossible to live.
Enter my conflict!
My problem was arising because I am feeling obsessed with beauty. I am feeling that I should be able to transcend beauty, particularly in relationships. I feel that my desire for beauty is getting in the way of having a relationship.
So here lies my personal paradox. In my day-to-day living, I am able to see beauty all around me and in just about every living thing. Add the potential for a relationship and suddenly huge beauty is required to maintain my interest. I can see beauty in everything except those people that could potentially touch my soul. Either something needs to give, or I need some new hot friends!
The next question that comes is, "can you see the beauty in yourself?" To that question I answer, "yes." I don't feel any issues there, and my dreams haven't been pointing in that direction. The dreams that are haunting me seem to point to an emotional-physical hunger, which is not being met. Not surprising, even if you don't know me, you can likely see deep tracks of desire that wind through all areas of my life.
If I am being truly honest, I would have to overlay a general fear of having any relationship. I've written about the deep emotional calm that I feel when contemplating a person, scene or situation that is brimming with beauty. That sensation of calm seems to be the only thing that can over-ride a powerful flight response when I see the potential for a relationship (here I am talking about sexual relationships). Maybe I am thinking too far ahead. But when you are a thinker, a planner and a strategist, it can be hard to kick back and just experience. Maybe that is the way around it. Acceptance. Accept the situation and know that I am in control of it. Accept and give myself the right to bail out later rather than immediately. I could be onto something.
There is a struggle going on inside me. On one side is the "you are happy alone" psyche, and on the other is the "yes, but love is glorious" psyche.
One side of me acknowledges that you can sure get an awful lot accomplished when you are alone, content and happy.
Then the other side reminds me that even when you are in a relationship that's not 100%, there is still a lot of good stuff that comes out of it - knowledge, love, fulfillment. I am starting to wonder if denying relationships is denying life. Certainly it is denying an aspect of the life experience. To fully appreciate life, you need to put yourself in situations where the outcome is uncertain and pain is possible. Uncertainty and pain - maybe I am married to triathlon?
Perhaps my obsession with beauty is merely an intricate defense device. When your "standards" are so high that no one can get through, one can relax in the knowledge that the reasons for being alone are external rather than internal.
The reason for all this self-analysis is that there
have been a few too many signs pointing in another
direction. Unfortunately, none of them were wearing
one piece swimwear at the pool. 
However, when your friends, strangers and dreams start
to point in a direction that is at least 90 degrees
different from where you are heading, it is time to
reevaluate.
The dreams are the most haunting. The easiest signs to ignore are those held by strangers - the only problem is that they have been too articulate (and polite, damn 'em). My pals have been sharing ideas, again in a nice way. The dreams, well, how can you ignore yourself. Surprisingly, the dreams have been the most abrupt. I guess my subconscious is not governed by social conventions. Actually, it's been the most helpful. I was managing to ignore the rest, but it's pretty tough to ignore yourself.
Anyhow, this doesn't have much to do with anyone other than myself. Still, I thought I might post it as an alternative view to some of the other stuff on the site. That way my subconscious will know that I am thinking about it and, hopefully, back off a little!
Cheers,
el g - 26 November 2000