Never Settle
I was reading the forum on Slowtwitch.Com the other day and there was a rather common thread (on Valentine’s Day, no less) about relationships and triathlon. I didn’t read it in detail because, I suppose, that I am pretty familiar with how those discussions shake out. So this isn’t a comment directly on the thread – rather some ideas on why I was smiling when I skipped the thread.
Never Settle – I think that’s the motto for Monster.Com, or some other larger organization. Can’t say that I like the motto all that much. Sounds a bit too harsh. Never compromise? Sounds like we never take onboard the thoughts, feelings and position of others.
Most of us settle all the time. Bill Sweetnam says
that “compromise is the cancer of achievement”. He’s an Aussie swim coach and knows a thing or
two about achievement, at least in terms of building an infrastructure that
supports breakthrough athletic success.
He’s been a catalyst that turned around swimming in
Back to that internet discussion, the story generally goes along the lines of… “my heart sings when I do X but he/she doesn’t understand. Generally, there’s a conflict between what our protagonist wants to do and what her/his love interest wants to do. “What about me?”
Now “X” can be triathlon, NASCAR, watercolor painting, cycling, swimming, venture capital, reading technical manuals, medicine, surgery, property management, spending time with your kids, spending time with Y… I read/hear about it a lot with regards to training but that’s just my circle. I think that it’s a universal issue with folks that are seeking to achieve success in any field.
We all have people and projects competing for a share of our time. So many of us are over-scheduled that it seems like we are never able to truly achieve anything. Spending lots of time firefighting or sending out email boomerangs, cyber high-fives pinging around the globe.
You know how you look when you train? Well, once just once, I’d like to see that look when you are with me.
Well, physical expression and exercise are a core part of my life so when I’ve heard those words above (more than once) it’s didn’t exactly bode well for the long term health of the relationship. I didn’t know it at the time but, over time, I saw that there was a fundamental lack of understanding of my make-up. Also, perhaps, a fundamental gap in terms of our overlap.
However, so many folks have a deep seeded fear about being alone. Being alone _forever_. I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to die alone. What if I never get married? I think that this fear drives a lot of the jealousy of “X” – whatever X might be. Thing is, if you are with a powerful personality then there is a strange tendency to push hard against any pressure against their goals. More specifically, I am at my least rational when someone tries to come between me and an item that’s high on my Top Ten list.
Why is it that I appear to race well but my athletes have mixed performances? Generally, they have a good experience “with me” but they don’t always achieve their goals. It’s something that I think about a lot. Perhaps it’s commitment? I commit more to the execution of my plan/my protocol that anyone that I know. Still, I wonder if there is more that I could and should be doing. We often forget the big successes that we’ve had and focus on the areas where we want to improve. At a lecture I attended, Jack Daniels reminded all of us “never doubt success”, “learn from success”.
“Do you work then stand back” – that’s a quote from the Tao Te Ching. So this issue has been around for a while.
Back to settling… I suppose that we need to have a good idea about what is important to us, what gives us satisfaction, what supports our long term goals and our personal ethical make-up. There could be more. I seem to say “no thanks” more and more these days – it’s a constant stream of culling but I settle less and less.
I seem to rarely settle. I compromise a fair amount but it’s always in favor of something that I’d rather do. That’s a neat framing technique that I got from The Eighth Habit. I’m not diminished by compromise, I am strengthened by it. I make active choices towards supporting my personal Top Ten list. I’m in control.
Relationship settling. I spent many years alone (effectively alone even in some relationships – many of us can be alone even in a marriage) and, for me, it ended up a lot easier to be single (and alone) than effectively alone in a relationship. At some level, I suppose we take comfort from being in a relationship but it is hoax comfort when the person doesn’t support our personal goals and ethics.
My key point – so is it necessary to be alone to have breakthrough performance? The question on the net normally runs “do I have to be single to make breakthrough athletic performance”. I think that misses the point.
It’s not whether we are alone/single or not – and – it’s near impossible to make any meaningful achievements in our lives alone. Even if it were possible, we are social creatures so not being able to share the achievement experience would diminish its power and satisfaction.
I see a strong support network as an essential part of breakthrough performance (academic, social, athletic, commercial, ethical, whatever field you want). Now, for _athletic_ performance must that circle include a close sexual relationship? No, I don’t think that it’s a requirement. However, that’s not the point for me.
For me, the key point is that to the extent that every single relationship in our life is in harmony with our personal goals – then the greater our chance to succeed and whatever we are trying to achieve. Now if you happen to create a circle where every person actively supports your goals then that’s one component of what I call Elements of Breakthrough Performance.
More on the EBPs when I get around to writing them out. If you happened to attend my talk in Taupo in March of 2004 then you would have heard my outline. I will be doing my best to create the time to write them out in the next few weeks. If you find me saying “no” then you’ll know that I’m making space so that I can share these important (to me at least) ideas.
Some final thoughts…
For many, being alone touches on a deeply held fear. To gain an element of control over (and understanding of) ourselves – it’s worth exploring our fears and biases. The best clues that I know for understanding fears is exploring the sources of anger and frustration in our lives.
Before you can set about achieving your goals, you need to know what they are! Too often we spend our time on little things (little thoughts, fleeting emotions, mundane tasks) without any concern for the larger strategic picture.
Discipline comes from the creation of goal supporting habits – not a superior strength of will.
Before you can do the many things required for breakthrough performance, you need to master the simple art of “doing one thing” for a long period of time. Continuous, incremental change towards the person we want to be.
Final thought – when you make your Top Ten list, or simply think about what’s truly important to you. You might just find that the person that you think is an “obstacle” is actually a “goal” within your life – turning ‘painful compromise’ into active choices that support your overall life goals.
Take that a step further, when you communicate clearly and support that person with love and understanding – you might find that they return your love with strong support in favour of your goals. You’ve converted your training adversary to your ally.
At least, that’s the way it works for me – when I have my head on straight.
g