I read through about half of your newsletters from 2001 last night and highlighted several things. I think that the best thing I can do for myself right now is to practice learning how to think positively. I have always had a difficult time believing in myself and in my abilities. It's strange, as I KNOW that God gives me the strength and ability to do everything...yet I still doubt. I wish I knew where all of this stems from...my low self-image. I believe it has hindered my growth in many areas of my life as I am afraid to go out there and step up to a challenge, whether it be in my work or my competitions.

Tell me more about how you have trouble believing in your abilities? Perhaps you should write your race results from last season on a piece of paper. Spend a little time writing down your successes over the last twelve months. So often we fail to notice our achievements - very important to celebrate and acknowledge success.

Self-image and personal reality are determined by where we choose to focus our attention. We can focus on a beautiful sunset or the smoggy haze that generates the brilliant reds and oranges. With the outside world, many of us look at the sunset. With ourselves, sometimes all we see is haze.

Tell me more about how you are afraid of stepping up? You know, as soon as you identify the fear it is very easy to deal with it. Give me a couple of examples of the fear and I might be able to suggest how you can deal with it. In fact, I am willing to bet that shortly after you write the fear down, it will either disappear or you will find a way around it.

This is very difficult for me to admit, but I think that most of my low self-esteem comes from my outward appearance. Gosh...I HATE even writing that!!! It seems so shallow and superficial, which is so unlike my character. I don't look at others that way...

Why do you hate writing that? Could you hate writing it because it is NOT you? It is something outside of you. Could it be that THEY are telling you that you can't love yourself because you don't look a certain way? However, YOU know this to be false because you see the world differently. You need to explore why you don't like to write it out. There is a lesson there.

Many of us appear to apply a different, higher standard to ourselves than we do to the world. Why? I don't really think 'why' matters. I think it is important that we recognize our tendencies.

Who does your current thinking serve? Who benefits from your current thinking? If there is no clear benefit to a certain way of thinking that it's silly to continue with it.

I am most drawn to people with big hearts...caring and genuine people who are enthusiastic and positive. Why do I have to have this hang up on my OWN appearance? I want to feel good about who I am, as a package. I DO like a few things about myself, such as my compassion for others...my sensitivity and caring nature. I love the way I can look at an incredible sunset and get tears in my eyes because I find it overwhelmingly beautiful. Others may find that weird, but I rejoice in being passionate about the little things.

The ability to feel is a true gift. So many ladies kick themselves for being subject to moods, passion, swings, for being feminine - the capacity to give deep love, to experience deep joy quite often means that we are open to receive deep pain. Certainly it appears that way for many of the women in my life.

I've been pals with quite a few powerful women so far. Each of them has had to learn to balance their masculine energy with their feminine side. Likewise, I believe that in order for a man to be able to truly access his deepest energies, he needs to seek balance with activities and are considered feminine in nature. Being elite means operating on the margin, in order to hang right out on the margin we need a lot of energy. The ability to tap this energy is a key skill. This is where the elite with strong mental skills can outperform.

What follows may not be PC, but it is the way I've experienced the world. The athletic and business arenas (for the most part) reward traits which are generally considered masculine in nature - planning, objectivity, focus, rationality, task orientation, and aggression (at times). The elite females that I have known, have managed to balance these traits with their own feminine needs (lipstick in transition, cooking at home, painting on weekends…). Have you every wondered why so many elite females are a little on edge? I think that it may have something to do with the huge levels of masculine energy that they have to generate in order to succeed in sport/business.

If you look at the guys, then you will also see that many of them balance the masculine stresses of their lives (racing IM with bleached hair, painting their finger/toe nails, reading philosophy, meditation, goofy race outfits - all attempts to balance their huge masculine output). In the East, they don't talk about masculine and feminine energy - they talk about yin and yang energy. However, it is the same thing in different words.

When you are in a sexual relationship with someone, then that can be a good way to balance energy needs. However, that's a personal thing and I won't make specific recommendations!

So, we need to balance the different aspects of our personalities that are within each of us. When the balance is out of kilter we start to see behaviour that many would classify as dysfunctional addictions. Personally, I see addictions themselves as neutral. Many addictions can be highly functional and useful in their own right, particularly, if our very nature is addictive. Every elite that I have ever met has an addictive personality.

Enough on balance - back to your question. What I hear you asking is, "Why don't I love myself? I am a great person and there are many things that I like about myself." Don't you see it? You do love yourself. You are just scared to admit it. Sure we all wish that we were faster, quicker, thinner, richer, had more hair, had less hair, had less muscle, had more muscle, were taller, were shorter, had longer arms, had shorter arms - it's all silly!!!

We can read books, see specialists, write in our diaries, go to support groups - these are all useful, but why don't they work? They fall short because the truth is that there is only ONE person that can help you love yourself. Walk into the bathroom and you will be looking her in the eye.

When we define ourselves by externals (swim splits, race results, appearance, other people's thoughts, race placing) we are setting ourselves up for failure. Why? Because 'it' will never be enough. The swim, the race, the lay, the fiesta, the buzz, the victory is GONE the moment it completes.

For me, the only way for enduring happiness/satisfaction is to live with honour and integrity - OUR definition of honour and integrity. This is an internal code and we will all have a different definition. However, I've done a bit of research and have found a lot of similarities across successful warrior societies. Once we have our code, we do our best and we will measure up. Our best varies from moment to moment - but so long as we are doing our best - we know that we are measuring up. You may doubt me, but if you truly embrace this method of living you will be amazed at the results. Everything falls neatly into perspective.

Of course we need to remember that doing our best also means doing our best to take care of ourselves. The demands of the world are never ending and we will quite quickly run out of energy if we overextend. We can only help others to the extent that we operate from a strong sense of self. When people are starting out, I encourage them to limit their assistance to others until they believe that they have themselves whole and sorted. "Whole and sorted" is what I call being "one". Unified, in control, relaxed and able to deal with the outside world.

An interesting thing that I read recently was that we will only tolerate abuse from others to the extent that we feel the same way towards ourselves. Looking around my life, this has a lot of truth in it. This is another excellent reason for starting with ourselves first. Once we love ourselves, we will find that abusive and negative people leave our lives.

The role of loved ones in our lives can be a challenge for some. They wonder how they can "make" X support their goals. The truth is that we can't make anybody do anything. Control is an illusion! However, when we live with integrity then people tend to respect us and it is a lot easier to support someone you respect.

I also found that warriors/elites tend to be leaders. Other folks prefer to follow and that is okay as well. By being true to our calling, we will get as much support as we need. That may be a lot or that may be a little - however, I have found that it tends to be enough.

Finally, when we operate from integrity, the world might not always agree with us - but they are likely to respect us.

I hear you speak about what it takes to be an elite athlete and at times I say to myself, "That could never be me." I'm not tough enough...disciplined enough...and all my shortcomings rise to the surface.

Hmmm... errr... Bullshit! I doubt you truly believe this. It is just one part of your mind testing your resolve. In fact, I would be willing to bet that you get right back on track ASAP. We ALL have doubts and that is part of the beauty of life - every day gives us a chance to overcome our doubts and fears. Some days we crush it, some days it crushes us - don't worry about keeping score. As long as you keep playing, you are winning.

I don't want the sport to dictate my life...my mood, my time, my sense of self-worth. I want it to be part of my lifestyle that promotes health, joy, and learning!! It sounds like you have reached this level and I so want to get there!!! But I also know that it has been a process for you to overcome some of the same things I am going through right now.

I don't really think that I have reached anything other than having made the decision that I will act with integrity and do whatever feels right. Physical activity is a big part of my life right now and I sense that you are also a physical person. As physical beings, sport will play a large part in our moods, where we spend our time and how we feel about ourselves. You are always going to feel great after a satisfying workout. With experience and self-love, you will learn to deal with less satisfying sessions and other challenges.

Don't seek to change or compromise your fundamental nature. Accepting your fundamental self is very important. I speak from experience having denied my physical nature for ten years in venture capital.

Do we overcome the little tests that our minds create? I'm not sure they ever disappear. The key skill that I have learned in that regard is probably the ability to smile at myself while laughing at my idiosyncrasies and weaknesses.

Now is a good time for one of my favourite quotes…

'The spirit of a warrior is not geared to indulging and complaining, nor is it geared to winning or losing. The spirit of a warrior is geared only to struggle, and every struggle is a warrior's last battle on Earth. Thus the outcome matters very little to him. In his last battle on Earth, a warrior let's his spirit flow free and clear. And as he wages his battle, knowing that his will is impeccable, a warrior laughs and laughs…'
-- Don Juan

To me, the above quote sums up what it takes to achieve a life best performance in sport or any other battle. I've seen it present in the best elites that I have known in sport, business and life.

Like I said...I have been reading all of your "stuff" and can't seem to get enough...but so much information and suggestions get to be overwhelming. Can you suggest a few things to help me get started? Were there a few little things you began doing in order to help you in these areas?

I am glad that you are confused! When all the reading becomes too much, stop reading and start doing. I've always wondered why we all buy so many self-help books. I think it is because we think that by reading we are helping ourselves. Not really! We must take action.

Rather than telling you what I did, I recommend that you focus on one concept that makes sense to you. Make that part of your life. Start to live that idea.

Once you have that concept down, then choose another. Start to live that idea.

Keep making slow incremental progress. You really only have to make one or two changes to get the ball rolling. In fact, the ball is already rolling! :-)

Hope this helps,

gordo